I was playing my music really loud yesterday and my neighbour came banging on my door.
"Have you got any respect!?" he screamed.
I replied, "Only on vinyl, and I don't do requests."
What takes up 18 parking spaces?
9 Women drivers.
I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.
"Well, I'm going to book a holiday for one."
"Oh goody" she screamed excitedly, "I can't wait!"
Can't help thinking she's misunderstood what I said.
Bought myseld an Ipad today. So wife wouldn't feel left out bought her an Iron.
NEWS: "Half of Texas hit by Giant Ash/Dust cloud".
The Cowboys apologize for opening their trophy cabinet.
Did you know that smokers have, on average, 4.2 more days sick a year than non-smokers?
And did you know that every company has, on average, at least one tosser who calculates statistics like that?
Chasing the 'American dream' doesn't count as excercise , neither does driving to the local Mcdonalds for that matter.
I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more.
They're too complicated for women.
A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Mary has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.
shed? prolly already posted it?
When I was a boy me ma would send me down to the shops with £1.00 and a
shopping list. I would come back with a bag of spuds 3 loafs of bread,
2 boxes of tea, 3 jars of coffee, 8 chocolate bars, 4 pints of milk, and a dozen eggs.... you can't do
that these days - too many fecking security cameras around.
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